ANYONE going to Vietnam would be wise to bone up on some of the unique customs and superstitions of the country, lest they cause confusion, misunderstandings, hard-feelings, or loss of friendship. the old saying, "when in Rome, do as the Romans do" cannot be applied to the letter in Vietnam, but it is still very important that we respect certain customs and superstitions of the people.
Many Vietnamese having extensive contact with Americans have begun to understand American ways and have even adopted some of them for their own use. However, there are thousands of ordinary folk whose customs have not changed in generations. This chapter is about those people.
Most of the Vietnamese in urban areas no longer bow when they meet each other. In formal gatherings, at religious place, and sometimes in the country areas, one may see the people clasp their hands together in a prayer-like gesture and bow slightly. This is not practiced to any extent in everyday life in Vietnam as it is in neighboring Thailand.
The custom of handshaking, formerly considered barbaric to the Vietnamese, is now achieving popularity due to the Western influence in the country. Men will generally shake hands and say the equivalent of "how are you" and tip their hats when greeting people. Women, especially those in the countryside, still shy away from shaking hands, especially with men from their own country. It is best not to offer to shake hands with a woman unless she offers her hand first.
Whereas Americans often immediately introduce themselves in given situations, the ordinary people of Vietnam think this to be rather bold and like to have a mutual acquaintance make the introduction. They will rarely introduce themselves when going into a home or office until asked to do so. This may be due to their innate shyness and modesty.
Names carry great importance in Vietnam. Often Vietnamese will have secret names, known only to themselves and their parents. If it is given away, the person believes he is exposed to evil spirits. Except in rare cases, family names are seldom used outside of the family circle. Children are often called names in rank of birth, such as Chi-hai, Chi-ba (daughter two, daughter three).
One should call Vietnamese people by Mr., Mrs., or Miss until asked to go on a first name basis. They do not do this as quickly as Americans in their relationships with people. Especially important, when in the company of a third person, your friend must be called by his name with a Mr., Miss, or Mrs. proceeding it, as the case may be. If this is not done, it may suggest great intimacy or friendliness, or can also be interpreted as being arrogant treatment of the individual by a superior.
Most Vietnamese names consist of a family name, middle name and a personal or given name. The order is reverse to the American custom. For instance, John Paul Jones’ name in Vietnamese style would be Jones Paul John. However, we do not call someone by his family name in Vietnam. If we use the names for instance, Miss Hau Dinh Cam. Hau is the family name. We would call her Miss Cam. Jones Paul John would be Mr. John. On very informal occasions, we might at their request call them Cam or John, but would always add a Miss or Mr. to the name in the presence of other people outside of the group.
An exception to this rule dates back to traditional customs of long ago when beloved leaders were called by their family names.
It is desirable to call Vietnamese professional and government officials by their title, i.e., Mr. Assemblyman, Mr. Doctor, Mr. Lieutenant, etc.
Taboos in
Personal
Relationships
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It is best to call to people in a quiet voice, using their names preceded by Mr. Mrs., or Miss. Waving or beckoning with an upturned finger is considered highly impolite. If you must silently signal for someone to come toward you, do so by using the whole hand with the palm turned down. Not to do so would indicate an air of authority or superiority over the person being called or beckoned.
Never touch anyone on the head as this would be considered as a personal insult to the individual and perhaps even to his ancestors. Many Vietnamese believe the spirit resides there. Hence, the belief that if a person is beheaded, his spirit will roam forever without finding a resting place. Also, don’t touch anyone on the shoulder. Some people believe that a genie resides there and it is undesirable to disturb him. If you mistakenly touch one shoulder, you must also touch the other shoulder and this helps offset the bad luck.
Confusing
Personal Traits
of Vietnamese
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Vietnamese people have a habit of not looking into your eyes when they talk to you. This is often because of shyness, but one of the main reasons is that traditionally they do not look into the eyes of those they respect or those higher in rank when talking to them. This is to indicate politeness.
The smile of a Vietnamese can be very confusing in Vietnam to an outsider and cause misunderstandings. In some Oriental countries, a smile can mean sorrow, worry, or embarrassment. In Vietnam, it may indicate a polite, but perhaps skeptical reaction to something, compliance or toleration of a blunder or misunderstanding, or on occasion represents submission to judgment that may be wrong or unfair. This is particularly true if the one making the judgment is at a superior level and perhaps has lost his temper. For instance, a laundress may ruin a favorite shirt and is called in by her employer to be asked about it. She may smile. This does not mean that she thinks it is funny that she burned the shirt, but instead is submission to the fact. If the owner of the shirt loses his temper, she may keep smiling indicating politeness or patience with superiors.
Because of this, foreigners should be very cautious in voicing their opinions and perhaps be a little more delicate, more tolerant and restrain from being obstinate.
Loud arguments or heated discussions are frowned upon and are seldom heard among the Vietnamese. Well-bred people are trained in self-discipline. It is best, Therefore, for Americans or other foreigners to do their best to keep tempers in check, no matter what the circumstances, lest they be looked upon with disdain.
Vietnamese seldom use a direct approach in their dealings. To do so indicates a lack of tact or delicacy. Directness is appreciated in the Western world, but not in Vietnam. The Vietnamese do not like to say "no" and will often reply "yes" when the answer should be negative. This problem is further complicated by Americans posing negative questions such as, "It doesn’t look like it will rain today, does it?" The correct answer is often the one given by the Vietnamese--"Yes." We expect to hear "No." Think it out and you will see that the Vietnamese is really correct.
Best advice, don’t ask negative questions.
There are numerous taboos on all aspects of life in Vietnam, just as we have our omens of bad luck such as walking under a ladder. A few of them are as follows:
Don’t express lavish admiration for a new baby, because the devils might hear you and steal the child because of his desirability.
When going somewhere on business, avoid seeing a woman first. If you do see a woman first as you go out your door or on the way, postpone the trip.
Mirrors are often placed on front doors. If a dragon tries to get in, he will see his reflection and think that there is already a dragon there and go away.
Single bowls of rice and chopsticks should not be served. Always place at least two on a table. One bowl is for the dead. Never let chopsticks touch others or make unnecessary noise with them. Do not place chopsticks in food and leave them there.
Do not hand someone a toothpick.
Never buy one pillow or mattress pad, always buy two.
Do not use relative’s towels.
Do not overturn musical instruments, or beat both sides of a drum simultaneously.
Do not cut finger and toenails at night.
Going dutch with a Vietnamese is not appreciated. If you run into someone at a restaurant and you join his table, let him pay the whole bill or pay it all yourself. The senior person usually pays.
Gifts for brides and grooms are usually given in pairs, including blankets. A single item indicates the marriage is not expected to last long. Two less expensive items are more desired than one nicer one.
Educated people and others who are not in the peasant class do not work with their hands. To do so would appear to try to beat a poor peasant out of his job. In addition, it is considered beneath the dignity of refined people.
Hats are not usually worn inside churches, even Catholic ones.
Except among the higher officials, the average wage of a Vietnamese family is below that even conceived of being adequate. The old argument is, "well, things cost less," but this is not completely true in Vietnam. The prices on some items, considered necessities by American, such as electricity, are exorbitant. Compared with the average Vietnamese income, clothing are food prices are also high, especially during a time of war. An average family may earn the equivalent of $50 a month with two or more people working in the family.
Despite this, the Vietnamese love to be hospitable and will often invite you to dinner. They may solicit the entire neighborhood borrowing things to make your stay more pleasant, or they may sell something they have had for a long time in order to have the money to entertain you well. The enjoy being good hosts and would feel hurt if you mentioned this to them. It is best to pretend that you know nothing of this. Do not offer to share the costs. When reciprocating, do so in a lavish style at the very best of restaurants.
If gifts are taken for the family, they should be items that they could not easily obtain themselves. To take something that they could buy easily would be a bad reflection on their economic means. They love anything American, and it does not have to be expensive. If you give the children things, each should have a separate gift. It is not polite to take a whole bag of candy and give it to them as a group.
On short visits, drink the tea that is offered, even if you don’t like it and are afraid of the local water. It shows that you are welcome and well respected.
Rank is always carefully observed by the Vietnamese in their homes and elsewhere. Servants never sit at the same table with their employers if outsiders are present, and only in rare cases otherwise.
On some occasions at an informal meal, the whole family except for the person inviting you to dinner, may get up from the table and eat elsewhere. This is not a show of disrespect for you but is simply a way of letting the guest spend time with his special friend.
At banquets, one should arrive on time and greet elderly persons first. If the dinner is served Chinese style, food should be transferred from the main bowl to your individual bowl before eating. It is impolite to eat anything with your chopsticks directly from the serving bowl. A guest may refrain from taking something he doesn’t like, but if the hostess serves it to you unknowingly, force it down if at all possible. If the guest refuses, the host may doubt his sincerity and coax him even more. Individual bowls are usually changed with each course and are generally removed only when empty, except the last course. Here, a little something should be left to indicate to the host that there was enough food and everyone is satisfied.
In order not hurt your host’s feelings, it is best to go to one of these parties with a hearty appetite and an open mind along with a good strong stomach. Sometimes foods are served that are that are repugnant to Americans. On many occasions, an American will be the honored guest and naturally served the most honored piece of chicken-its head. To refuse it is an insult. Some of the more Westernized Vietnamese know of the Americans’ disdain for this particular part of the chicken and often give it to them to amuse themselves or to test the Americans’ manners. Most often, they are very sincere in offering you the piece most desired by themselves.
MARRIAGE
IN VIETNAM today, there are two distinct groupings as far as the important rite of marriage is concerned. One group is the more modern, who cling to Western innovations and desire similar weddings. The following section will concern itself with the second group and its traditional rites of engagement and marriage which are highly regarded and practiced in Vietnam.
Pre-Marriage
Relationships
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In olden days, chastity was strongly emphasized with young people being carefully supervised. As with Confucianism, the physical development of love was not highly regarded. Parents frowned on courtship and falling in love and thought badly of its advocates.
Marriage was considered to be a duty, and was generally arranged in a non-emotional manner by the elders in the family. Sometimes, mere children have been committed to each other for later marriage.
Formerly, couples readily submitted to the parents choosing their mates and still do to a great extent in the countryside. In the cities, they have begun to "fight for their rights." Youngsters have more opportunities to meet each other these days, so often the role of the parents has been cut down to merely advising and counseling.
Choice of
Marriage
Partners
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Certain standards should be maintained in the choice of mate under the traditional system. For instance, social rank, education, moral history, etc. should be similar in background and on as equal a level as possible.
The couple’s horoscope should be in accord and not conflict. Horoscope data has been deliberately misread on occasions in order to be able to tactfully refuse an offer of marriage. Usually a mediator works between the families, and if successful, is often rewarded with a present, such as a pig’s head.
Formerly, girls were often wed as early as 13 and boys at 16. Economic reasons often spurred on young marriages. For example, one family may have wished to have their daughter marry so that they would have one less mouth to feed. On the boy’s side, a wife would mean another helping hand in the field, plus the prospect of more children to work on the land.
Daughter-in-laws were considered to be "free domestic help," and many girls were older than their bride-grooms. On occasions, marriages were held for very young couples to bring about alliances between families.
In Vietnam today, the marriage age may range from 16 to 18 for women and 20 to 21 for men. These figures rise to higher age levels in the cities where the Western influence is felt. Child marriages are not so common in Vietnam today.
Though many things have changed, the rituals have stayed more or less the same in traditional marriages. A description of each of the important rituals follows.
This is often called "the crossing of the girl’s housegate." It is a time when the boy’s family brings the girl’s family gifts which must include a bunch of betel leaves and areca nuts. Tea, cakes, and candies may also be included. The day and hour must be exactly right by the horoscopic calendar.
The procedure is usually quite formal with everyone dressed in his best clothing. Led by a distinguished elder member of the boy’s family, the family walks to the girl’s home. Boys dressed in black with red sashes around their waists carry the gifts on round red trays balanced on their heads. The bridegroom and the intermediary or matchmaker are also present. The matchmaker will discuss the gifts that the bridegroom will later present to the bride’s family. The date for the formal proposal of marriage is set at this time.
The wedding gifts that the bride’s family request will be given to relatives and friends of the girl’s family. The gifts are often sets of tea, candies, areca nuts, betel leaves, etc. These gifts are in addition to the ones brought to the home on this day. If the girl’s parents have a wide circle of friends, then a large number of gifts are required.
In addition to these, the bridegroom’s family must provide the bride with a trousseau of jewels such as engagement ring, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and perhaps even a certain amount of money.
Formal
Proposal of
Marriage
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The horoscope must be consulted for the right time and hour, and once again the entourage of family and friends descend on the bride’s home in much the same manner in the "gift presenting ceremony." At the home of the bride-to-be, they are graciously received with tea, areca nuts, betel leaves, and perhaps liquor being served. The gifts brought by the bridegroom-to-be are placed on the ancestral altar. Joss sticks and lights are lit and incense is burned. The girl’s father, the future bride and groom ceremonially bow before the altar. After this, the bride may withdraw to another room and her future husband may take over the entertainment of the guests, acting as a member of the bride’s family.
After a long period of conversation, the head of the girl’s family removes the gifts from the altar, thanks everyone, and divides the edible gifts into two parts, one smaller than the other. The smaller part is given back to the groom’s family indicating that they have been far too generous and that the bride’s family is not greedy. This also indicates good luck and a close alliance between the two families. Later, the other edible gifts are distributed to friends of the bride’s family.
In the past, the waiting time from this date until the actual marriage was sometimes as long as two or three years. All the while, the bridegroom-to-be was supposed to keep up his relationship with his fiancee’s family with generous gifts on many special days. Today, this waiting period has been drastically reduced. The man was not allowed to see the girl very often and then they were closely supervised. Should they by chance meet in public, the bride-to-be would cover her face discreetly with her hat. Instead of being dismayed, this made the future groom proud, as it indicated to all that his future wife was chaste. This old custom has changed considerably in Vietnam today. There are, however, those in the rural areas who still maintain these practices.
Horoscopes are specially important for the wedding and numerous checks are made, for no one would want to start a marriage off on the wrong foot. Usually the day before the wedding, the boy’s family has a banquet. Among the poor, it may be a tea party or nothing at all.
On the wedding day, the family of the bridegroom go with the groom at a specially chosen hour to the bride’s home. They all walk together in a procession which is normally led by an old man in dark robes carrying an incense burner. The groom’s parents and older relatives follow the elderly man. Next in line is the bridegroom dressed in new clothes and surrounded by his numerous attendants. They are followed by the brothers and sisters and close friends. Women carry betel leaves and areca nuts and offer them to the wedding party en route.
The procession on foot is common in rural areas, especially among the poorer people. It is a status symbol to be able to have other means of transportation in the procession and a great deal of money is often spent by those wishing to make a good impression on others. It is not unusual in large cities to see such processions made up of fancy cars bedecked with garlands of flowers.
When they reach the bride’s home, they are welcomed and invited in by the girl’s parents. The parents never come out beyond the gate of the home, as they do not wish to appear as initiating the move of offering their daughter’s hand in marriage.
After sipping tea, the head of the boy’s family makes a solemn formal request to take the bride away to their home where she will be a daughter-in-law to the family. Solemnly, the father or head of the girl’s family agrees.
Then the girl’s father or head of the family performs a rite in front of the family altar, requesting acceptance of the marriage by his ancestors. The bride and groom follow suit.
A banquet is often held at this point, but near the end, the groom’s family traditionally acts as though they are very anxious to take the bride to their home.
The groom’s entourage then begins the trip home in procession, with the bride and her attendants, friends and relatives joining in.
Little children sometimes set up road blocks and ask tolls of the wedding party. These are readily paid, as they consider it bad luck to refuse.
Upon arrival at the groom’s house, the party is met by the loud noise of firecrackers. The guests are invited inside with the bride and groom and another ceremony which honors the genie of marriage soon commences.
The genie of marriage is often called the Rose Silk Thread God and is believed to be responsible for the couple getting married. A special altar is set up and lighted with candles, and incense and joss sticks are burned in honor of the genie. An older member of the groom’s family leads the ceremony. He and the bridal couple bow many times before the altar, and a red sheet of paper on which a plea for aid and protection is written to the genie of marriage. This is read aloud. Three cups are filled with a clear white alcoholic beverage by the elder man leading the ceremony. The old man bows three times and gives one cup to the groom who sips a little of the liquid and passes it to his bride who also sips a little. The groom takes some ginger and rubs it in salt, eats a little of it and then shares it with his bride. This symbolizes that no matter what happens, their love will remain true. The sheet of red paper is then burned and the three people bow once again paying their final respects to the genie.
At this point, the couple are considered married and a party is usually held with a lot of speech making, gift giving and merrymaking.
Just as in the United States, the groom’s attendants try to keep him busy as long as they can and play jokes on him. In olden days, the bride and groom spent their first night of marriage in separate rooms with their attendants.
The couple usually live with the husband’s parents, at least until children are born. It is expected that the bride will wait on her husband’s family, almost as a servant. This is no the custom with the educated and well-to-do class of people in Vietnam. They are somewhat Westernized in their approach.
PREGNANCY AND BIRTH
EXCEPT AMONG young moderns, one of the greatest desires of the Vietnamese is to have a large family. Boys are more desired than girls and are especially important to carry on the family line and ancestral worship. A couple having only girls are looked upon by many as having done something wrong in their lives and are, therefore, being punished.
Traditional customs dictate that the mother-to-be must follow strict rules and observe certain customs and taboos in order to have a good healthy baby. She should eat only nourishing foods, but not so nourishing that they would cause the baby to become to big before birth. The mother must carry on prenatal education with her baby, acting and talking as if he was in her presence at all times, guiding and counseling him in physical, intellectual, and moral activities. Alcohol and cigarettes are considered undesirable for the expectant mother.
Pregnant women are often discouraged from undertaking heavy work and getting involved in tense situations. In some lower economic strata, this is impossible, but still desirable.
An expectant mother should not go to weddings and funerals as it is believed that her presence could bring bad luck to the families concerned. It is also considered bad luck for a pregnant woman to meet people about to set out on a trip. Mother-to-be should not step over a hammock lest their child be born lazy. They should not walk too much, reach for things high up, take long uncomfortable rides or frequent places of worship.
Midwives generally deliver babies and cut the umbilical cord with a piece of earthenware or a bamboo knife. The baby is then washed and dressed in old handed-down clothes of his brothers and sisters. Vietnamese people fear that the evil spirits will be jealous of new clothes and cause the baby to become ill. The father may see the child only after the baby has been cleaned and dressed.
Friends send the mother nourishing food, and the baby gold bracelets, clothing and trinkets. The baby’s hair and nails must never be cut during the first month of life.
Whatever possible, the mother is encouraged not to do any strenuous work for at least two to three months. Among the peasantry, they are often back at work within a few days, because of necessity.
After approximately one-month, the newborn baby’s parents have a large party to celebrate the baby’s first month birthday. Offerings are presented at this time to the "Holy Godmother" who is thought to be the protector of the new child. They also believe that the Holy Godmother teaches the baby to smile and that crying means the child is being punished for stubbornness. During the ceremony, a flower which has been wet with special water from the altar is held over the baby and the water is allowed to drip into the infant’s mouth. This is to insure that the child will learn to speak in sweet scented words.
After the prayers and ceremonies, guests have a happy party at which they eat the offerings of food from the ceremony. At this time, it is considered correct to put new clothes on the baby, but care is still observed in not mentioning the good health of the child lest the evil spirits become jealous and make him ill.
The baby has another celebration after one lunar year. It is called "quitting the cradle." This is a much larger party with numerous guests. The baby is placed on a bed in a sitting position. Several things are spread around him including scissors, flowers, books, pencils, etc. The item the baby picks up first is supposed to determine his future avocation. If he takes the scissors, he may become a tailor; the book, a learned man, etc.
A baby is considered to be one year of age at birth and becomes two years old when the next lunar New Year arrives. It is possible, therefore, for a child to become two years old when he is just one day old if he is born on New Year’s Eve.
FUNERALS
VIETNAMESE spend far more of their income on funerals than Americans do. This may seem impossible in view of the high costs in the United States, but it is true. A family may use all of its worldly goods that can be transferred into money or they may borrow from various association. If this is not possible, they may go into great debt with "money sharks" to pay for funerals.
Catholic funerals follow the ritual of the church, but most funerals are Buddhist since a majority of the population follow that or related religions.
The Vietnamese strongly believe that a person should die at home and be surrounded by his family. It is considered to be a bad misfortune to die away from home and bad luck to carry a corpse home. Many people are carried to the hospital if they are sick, but if it becomes evident that they will die, they are rushed home with all possible haste so that their demise may be made there.
The face of the dead person is covered with a white piece of paper or a kerchief as a symbolic barrier between the dead person and the living one. This also helps to shield visitors from too great an emotional shock.
Often, the deceased person’s mouth is propped open so that visitors may drop in grains of rice and gold coins. The body is generally placed on a bed under a mosquito net. In some areas, a bunch of bananas are placed on the stomach of the dead person with the hope of distracting the devil from devouring the dead person’s intestines. Sometimes a knife is placed on the stomach as a weapon against the devil.
Family members wash the body with a heavily scented lotion and dress it in the best clothing. Nails are cut and the trimmings are placed in small packages and attached to the proper hand and foot from which they were cut. Three years later, when the body is exhumed and the bone transferred from the wooden coffin to an earthenware box for final burial, these clippings will help the people identify the correct bones.
Meanwhile, among the more well-to-do, an obituary has been placed in the paper and friends begin to descend on the home. Among the poor people, the sad news is transmitted by word of mouth.
In the past, caskets were often bought ahead of time, and in mountain areas, the coffin is used in the house as a bench. In towns and cities, this practice has been abandoned.
During olden days, the body was kept in the home for as long as six months, sealed inside the casket. Currently, the body is kept at home about a week or less.
Sometimes, coffins are temporarily buried in the gardens to discourage thieves from robbing the valuables inside. In the case of young virgin girls, the burial place is often nearby the home so that it can be watched. Some rural people believe that the head of a virgin girl is very valuable and may be conserved and turned into the most powerful and omnipotent talisman through special ceremonies. Persons who have the talisman are believed to be omnipotent and invulnerable.
Before the body is placed in the coffin, it is wrapped with strips of cloth and a white silk shroud. The body is wedged in the coffin with reed branches, paper, and other objects. This helps keep the body in place as it decomposes. Embalming is not widely practice. A bowl of uncooked rice is placed on the lid of a coffin by many families. They believe that this will keep the dead body from arising. The coffin should be attended constantly to keep any dog or cat from jumping over it, as it is believed that if this happens, the body will be revived temporarily and behave erratically, scaring those present.
The family then gather before the special altar which has been erected for the dead person, and make offerings of food for the dead person’s soul. This usually is three bowls of rice, three cups of tea, and a few other special dishes. In North Vietnam, it may be different--one bowl of rice, one cup of water, a boiled egg, and a bundle of joss sticks planted in a bowl of uncooked rice and surrounded by lightened candles. This ceremony is supposed to be repeated three times a day during the entire mourning period, but in recent years, the time of this offering has been reduced to an acceptable 100 days.
Dressing in mourning clothes is also a ritual. If there is a wedding planned in the family, it should be quietly attended to before the ceremony of handing out the mourning clothes. Otherwise, custom dictates that the wedding must be postponed until the end of the mourning period.
The mourning period is three years for wives, children, daughter-in-laws, and adopted children of the deceased man and only one year by husband’s, son-in-laws, brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, and grandchildren of a woman. Nine months is the time of mourning for cousins on the father’s side, and five months by cousins on the mother’s side.
While in mourning, Vietnamese do not usually visit temples and pagodas, festivals, parties, and other entertainments. They also normally delay marriages and do not wear bright colored clothing. A black band is worn on the arm by men in mourning and a small black piece of material is worn on the dress of women mourners after the funeral for the entire mourning period.
The ceremony of distribution of the mourning garb is carried out by monks or the eldest son of the deceased who leads the rite. Offerings are made and symbolic votive papers are burned. The mourning garb is made of a very low grade white gauze and looks as if it may fall off of the person wearing it. Turbans are carelessly wrapped around the head with straw crowns and a sash placed on top of this. Mourners use walking sticks made of bamboo and act as though they are groping their way along and would fall without the stick’s support. The carelessness of dress and the groping walk are indications of how overcome the mourners are.
Only after the distribution of mourning garb do the presentations of condolences begin. At this time, friends may bring or send gifts to the deceased’s family as an offering to the dead member. Sometimes in rural areas, this gift consists of money.
Wreaths have begun to be popular in the cities. They write the name of the person sending them is large letters, and a sympathy message is written on a ribbon encircling the wreath.
One of the main expenses of the funeral comes at this point. Many special funeral accoutrements are needed. They may sometimes be borrowed from a community benevolent association, in the case of poor people. Musicians must be hired, numerous attendants are necessary and a huge ten-foot high hearse painted with many dragons and other figures is used. A family will occasionally hire extra mourners to walk in the procession to indicate that the deceased was well thought of. Huge displays of expensive food including whole pigs and gelatined fruits, etc. are placed on tables and carried by bearers.
Buddhist monks, sometimes carried in a hammock, lead the procession. He is usually followed by a group of old ladies carrying long pieces of cloth above their heads. Banner carriers move alongside of them reciting prayers and holding up their banners written about the deceased, for all to read. Next comes the altar, also borne by carriers. On it will be placed a picture of the deceased, two peanut oil lamps, candlesticks, incense burners, and flowers.
Next comes the offerings of food; roasted pig, sugar cakes, rice, gelatined fruits, wine in urns, etc.
Following that is the hearse which is pulled by four to eight persons. In olden days, the coffin was often covered by expensive votive papers in the form of a house. Some of the hearses are motorized in the cities.
After the hearse, the family, led by the eldest son, relatives, and friends follow behind, usually walking. The family is always crying loudly and lamenting in loud tearful voices their praise of the dead person, his virtues, and his accomplishments. Sometimes they cry over what they might have done for the deceased. Their voices, mixed in with the music from the professional musicians playing wind and string instruments and trumpets produce a soulful sound. To Western ears, it sounds more like screeching. The music is chosen especially for the deceased as they have different songs to fit different circumstances.
Acquaintances walk behind this group, remaining fairly silent, exchanging a few words here and there about the life of the dead person. Friends born in the same year as the deceased rarely attend the funeral lest they also have very bad luck or even die. In the case of a wealthy person or a well-known one, large numbers of cyclos carrying flowers trail after these mourners. Along the route, golden votive papers are scattered as symbolic money for the dead person to use in heaven.
When the body reaches its resting place and is about to be placed in the grave, the wailing and crying grows even more soulful, and close relatives often fight frenziedly with the bearers of the coffin to prevent them from burying their loved one.
The eldest son, the monk, or funeral attendants throw a symbolic handful of dirt into the grave and then pass on their respects to the rest of the family. Relatives leave the grave but wait a short distance away until the grave is completely covered before they go home.
In rural areas, the custom of preparing a large meal for all friends and acquaintances who have participated in the funeral or sent a gift is still followed.
Later, a special altar that had been previously set up for the dead member is lighted with candles continuously and incense sticks burned for 100 days.
Regular ceremonies are held for the dead person after that time, especially on the death anniversary, the lunar New Year Period (Tet) and often on the 1st and 15th days of each lunar month.
Families normally have a special dinner on the 49th and 100th day after the death and also on the first anniversary. They may have a dinner every year after that on the death anniversary.
When the body is exhumed three years later and the bones are cleaned and re-arranged in proper order and reburied in a small earthenware coffin, only relatives and close friends are in attendance, and no special social gathering is held.
The veneration of the dead person with special offerings of food and votive papers in the form of money, clothing, etc. continues throughout the years. For more information, see Chapter 4 and 10.
